“I don’t have any friends at this church.”
When I was a pastor, I heard that regularly from both genders, but more often from men.
As much as we use the term “family” to describe our churches, the truth is that most churches are much bigger than our families, some exponentially so. We expect to feel a sense of belonging at Thanksgiving dinner; it can be much harder to feel so connected in a group of dozens or hundreds of people who are relative strangers.
Some of us are natural and extroverted people-persons, and connecting with others comes easily to us.
Some of us are more shy or introverted, making connecting more challenging.
Some of us have been hurt and hold back because of it; some are anxious, and the thought of taking the initiative in relationships can be overwhelming.
But every man on earth needs to feel like they belong in a community; God created us for relationship with other people (Genesis 2:18), and the Church is one of those places we can find it (Acts 2:42; 1 John 1:7).
So, how can we be men who find a place to belong in our church?
1. It will require effort on our part.
Usually, the men who told me they felt disconnected weren’t involved in much, if anything, at the church, by their own choice. A man might attend Sundays, but he didn’t serve anywhere, didn’t join a small group, didn’t attend men’s ministry events, and didn’t invite anyone over for coffee.
He wasn’t making any real effort, and I would explain that the men who did have friends in the church were the ones making such an effort.
“The men in the church who are well-connected to others are the ones who connect themselves,” I would say. “They don’t sit around waiting for someone to come to them; they go and seek out places to connect with others.” If you want to engage with people, you need to go where the people are.
2. It will require some risk and vulnerability.
This, no doubt, is what holds many men back. Making an effort is to risk that someone might not accept you, and being vulnerable can be such a scary place that many men simply choose to remain alone. The risk is too much, and the reward is uncertain.
But the simple fact is that anything worth having in life requires some risk and vulnerability. You wouldn’t have that job if you hadn’t gone for an interview. You wouldn’t have your home or your car unless you took a step to put some serious money down. In Western culture, every marriage relationship begins with someone asking someone out on a date, to start.
Any of those steps might have ended without the desired outcome, which certainly can hurt. But also, no good thing could ever have come out of them if a man didn’t try. Taking steps like joining a small group, coming out to the men’s breakfast, or finding a place to serve in the church is not foolproof. Still, in terms of risk/reward equations, most churches are reasonably safe places, and the potential reward is worth the risk.
3. It will require wisdom and perspective.
What types of men do you want to connect with? That might determine the kind of church activity that you engage with. What are your expectations? They should be reasonable and measured. No man will be friends with everybody, but hopefully, every man can find at least a few significant friendships. What are you contributing to the process? We all need to take a step towards others. Pondering questions like these can help us determine what needs to happen next.
4. It will require patience and perseverance.
I know guys who tried once or twice to attend a church function or a small group and then gave up. But most relationships form with time, and there really isn’t any magic formula to it: you find people, spend extended time with people, and over time, relationships happen. As men, we need the strength and discipline to stick it out over time and to keep seeking to connect with others.
Church is a place where the people of God gather together to find strength, encouragement, and support in our individual and collective journey with Christ. Men were made to be in relationship with others; God’s Church is a wonderful place to seek out and find such connections. It will take effort, risk, wisdom, patience and perseverance, but connecting with God’s people and finding that place to belong is an excellent investment.
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