When I used to hear someone say, “You should pray with your wife,” the first thing that came to mind was a doctor’s appointment I once had.
In response to a question about improving my diet, the doctor said, “We all know that we should eat a good breakfast, and we all know that we don’t.”
Praying with my wife Melissa was like that during the early years of my marriage. I knew it was something I should do, and I believed it would improve the health of our relationship, but I never committed to it. My personal prayer life was very active, and as a pastor, my wife and I were often in church prayer meetings together, but at home, we usually conducted our prayer times separately.
Looking back, there were some significant obstacles to praying together: our different personality types, our different denominational backgrounds, and our very separate and busy daily schedules. And sometimes, when we did carve out time to pray together, we would bring different priorities to this shared space.
I began to look for role models of praying couples, but they seemed few and far between, even in the Bible! I didn’t see examples of husbands and wives praying together in the New Testament, nor any explicit instruction for doing so.
However, Jesus was very clear that there is great power released from Heaven when two persons pray in agreement:
“Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19 NKJV)
Jesus was very clear that there is great power released from Heaven when two persons pray in agreement.
Why is this power of agreement important?
Let’s compare it to climbing a mountain.
A couple of years ago, I had a chance to do a fly-around of Mount Everest. Looking up at that 29,000-foot summit from the airplane window at an altitude of 27,000 feet, I had a better feel for what an enormous challenge it is for those who attempt to master the world’s tallest mountain.
The truth is, no one has ever climbed that summit alone.
Everyone who climbs Everest is roped together with one or more partners, enabling them to do together what neither can do alone. It also radically reduces the impact when one person loses their grip or their foot slips.
That’s the picture I have when Jesus talks about two persons agreeing in a place of prayer. We can go higher together than alone. And what better place to start releasing this power of agreement than in the context of a marriage partnership?
I recall one occasion when Melissa and I experienced this power together. We saw a real breakthrough in the behavior of one of our teenage children as we decided to tackle a behavioral issue first in prayer together before we spoke to our son. In this case, the behavior changed without us having to confront him.
But those occasional “mountaintop” experiences in prayer are not likely to occur unless we have well-established routines.
Staying with the Mount Everest analogy, no one makes it up the mountainside in one long, determined climb, even with a partner. Successful climbs require well-established camps at various intervals, which provide staging grounds for the next higher climbs.
The most important camp on Everest is the “base camp,” which is located in an open, flat space at 17,000 feet. If you are in good health, it takes six days to walk there from Kathmandu.
Every summit attempt requires a few days at base camp to acclimate to the elevation.
Melissa and I have established a “base camp” routine in prayer that keeps us acclimated to a spiritual atmosphere of preparedness, ready to make those higher climbs of faith when required on special occasions.
We each have our separate morning devotions but take time throughout the day to communicate about daily events. Sometime in the evening, we come together to pray and listen to one daily recording from an app called Lectio 365, which consists of 365 selections of scriptures and prayers. During this time, we usually hold hands. Finally, any remaining concerns are lifted together in prayers of agreement. We love to pray out of the Psalms and put our names into some of the great prayers and promises found there.
This is our “base camp.” Most days, it feels unremarkable except for the peace that typically follows. It’s very routine. However, it does prepare us for the inevitable times of trouble which require our more earnest prayers. Once in a while, when circumstances warrant, we head up to a “higher camp” of seeking God, fasting a meal, and spending that time in prayer. On one occasion, we fasted together for ten days as we sought God’s grace and power for special circumstances. Those summit climbs would be impossible on our own and unlikely to happen without a well-established base camp of daily prayer.
As our nightly prayer times became more regular, I noticed that my wife felt loved, protected, and cared for in a way other actions could not provide. It also helped keep minor irritations in the marriage from festering into chronic resentments.
So, I am urging husbands to set up a “base camp” of prayer that fits your marriage and family lifestyle. You don’t have to be a great “prayer warrior.” No need to conquer the summit every time you pray. By establishing a regular time and place of shared prayer, you and your spouse will be equipped for those times when more urgent faith-filled prayer is required.
In summary, I would offer three suggestions:
- Set a regular time. Don’t wait until there is trouble to start praying. That’s the wrong time to learn how to pray with faith!
- Engage in non-sexual touch. Holding hands during prayer or giving hugs afterward bonds you together, helps with your focus, and communicates the kind of care for your wife prescribed in Ephesians 5:25-30.
- Bring the reading or listening of the Word into your prayer times. Don’t just “pray the problem.” Pray the Word of God into every situation.
Praying regularly with my wife has significantly blessed my walk with the Lord and significantly blessed our marriage relationship. Become a man who takes the lead in this area and makes prayer a central part of your married lives together.
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