There’s a line from an old movie that declares, “love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I’ve never seen that movie, so I don’t know the context for such a bizarre statement. Still, I know it’s a terrible relationship philosophy for us to take seriously, especially if we are married and have children. I’ve had to say sorry many times over the years as both a husband and a dad. And you will too, if you want long-term healthy relationships in your family.
As I write this, southern Ontario’s summer boating season is in full swing. One of the best parts of boating must be sharing adventures with the guests or crew on board. This is also probably the most challenging part of boating – dealing with everyone you’ve invited on board! You are on a smallish watercraft with nowhere to escape, and you may bump into each other a lot. It’s kind of like family, right?
Sure, you can go through life alone, as a captain of a crew of one – just you. You will have none of the interpersonal issues that come with loving and leading in a family. It’s just you and the freedom of the open sea. I suppose you would never have to say sorry to anyone since you only have yourself to please. No challenges, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings ruin the trip.
Let’s be honest, men…that kind of life falls way short of fulfilling, at least for most of us. We were meant to take on the husband role. God created us to need a companion, a helper. God didn’t want us alone in our boats, thinking only of ourselves.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18 (NIV)
Once we find a wife, children often come next. If we don’t manage the father role well, we can frustrate the children God blessed us with. Never admitting our mistakes, as a dad, is a surefire way to alienate your children at any age.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (NIV)
The more people we add to our boat, the more we will have to learn to share the space and be good captains to the others onboard. You’ll soon discover that it’s the proximity family members have with one other that provides the potential for conflict. There’s no way around it. Learning to apologize and ask for forgiveness is a vital practice that keeps the family boat afloat.
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. Matthew 6:12 (NIV)
This is a powerful line from the Lord’s Prayer. Jesus knew we are all different, and our differences often rub each other the wrong way. There’s no way around it. Mistakes will be made. We all need forgiveness from time to time because we are all imperfect people 100% of the time.
Asking for and receiving forgiveness is how we mend the rifts between us. It allows us to trust again and move past hurts before they turn into hang-ups. Husbands and dads can lead the way here. When we take on the responsibility of being a husband or father, we must learn how to better ask for forgiveness.
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Proverbs 28:13 (NIV)
Because of our pride, asking for forgiveness is not always easy. It takes a strong and humble man to admit when he is wrong and make things right. Asking for forgiveness, as a husband or a dad, does at least two things: 1) It helps mend the broken trust that occurred, and 2) It sets a precedent and a pattern in the household for a Christ-like witness.
Here are 4 ways to sincerely ask for forgiveness:
- Admit what you did that was wrong. Acknowledge your loved one was wronged and you were at fault. It could be a quick text you send or something you need to say in person, but it must be genuine and heartfelt. Don’t fight for your right to be right all the time.
- Explain what you did wrong. Take responsibility for what happened, and don’t allow yourself to blame shift mid-apology. Don’t groan, roll your eyes, or be sarcastic with your words of apology. Also, don’t use that other famously stupid line, “I’m sorry YOU think I hurt you.” Be honest and take the hit – own it.
- Correct what you did wrong, if you can, with follow-up actions. If more than a word of apology is needed or helpful, offer to make it right. A comment may be sufficient, but if you can make amends another way, go for it and do the right thing.
- Give some space and time. After asking for forgiveness, allow your loved one time to process your apology. Give them space. Apologizing is your part, but forgiveness is the other person’s part. It’s not your job to make people forgive you; it is your job to ask for it when you are in the wrong.
To never learn how to ask for forgiveness is to allow pride to rule your relationships, which won’t end well. In the long term, those you love and care for could resent you for being unable to own your mistakes. Also, the mistakes we never confess tend to be the ones we keep repeating.
The goal is to be humble enough to say, “I made a mistake and I’m sorry” early in a misunderstanding. Learning this skill will make you a better captain of the family boat, and your family will thank you for it.
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