Who is that one guy you know who frustrates you or creates damage and harm in the lives of others?
Deep down, you know something needs to change, but you also have no genuine desire to confront him. For most people, confrontation feels risky and takes up a lot of energy, but failing to engage others when needed is even more dangerous.
Dealing with conflict is a normal part of good leadership; the only question is whether you and I will do it well.
The Grace and Truth Scale
The Bible teaches us that Jesus was a man equally filled with grace and truth (John 1:14). One of the many differences between you and Jesus is that you are likely filled with more of one than the other. People who are naturally more gracious tend to want to avoid difficult truth conversations. Those more focused on truth do not always know how to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
What side of this scale is more natural for you? To deal with confrontation in a healthy way, you will need to ask God for help to be more of what you are not so you can become a man more like Jesus – filled with grace and truth.
Preparing Yourself
Half the battle in dealing with confrontation is preparing yourself for the conversation. The best way to do this is to follow the instructions of Jesus. In Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus teaches us to look at the “log” in our own eye before dealing with the “speck” in our brother’s eye. Taking this step will help you confront a brother with humility because you will know your need for God’s mercy in your life first.
As you prepare for the conversation, consider everything you know about the situation and ask yourself if there are possible things you don’t know. Gather as many facts as possible and be clear in identifying as many of the emotions involved as possible – both from you and others impacted by this situation. This will help you consider various perspectives and even give space for the other person to explain something you are unaware of, which may change how the problematic situation should be addressed. Sometimes, writing down everything you want to say beforehand is helpful. This will help you stay on track rather than getting caught up in the emotions of the conversation.
One of the great temptations you may face is to gossip about the other person. When frustrated, we sometimes want to burn off steam by talking about the other man. But why don’t we pray for them instead? Bringing this situation to God will prepare your heart and invite the power of the Holy Spirit to prepare their heart as well. Only God can do these things. Don’t make the mistake of talking to people more than you talk to God about what must be dealt with.
The Confrontation
If you have prepared well and prayed, you can trust that God is with you as you enter the conversation. Here are a few tips to help guide you through it:
- Be clear about why you are having this conversation. Explain your observations and concerns.
- Ask for their perspective. Is your understanding also their understanding of the situation?
- Once you agree on some basic facts, one of my favourite questions is: “Can you help me understand why …?” This question humbly suggests that you may not have a complete knowledge of everything happening in this story. For example, say you are confronting a man on your leadership team for not following through on his commitments. Rather than simply accusing him, this kind of question opens the door for you to find out if there are other circumstances in his life you are unaware of that are impacting his ability to serve faithfully.
- Determine the next steps. Once you have all the information, you can determine what needs to happen next. Invite the other person to collaborate with you on the consequences or accountability required in this situation as often as possible. Sometimes, you will need to make those decisions on your own. When this happens, the weight of the problem should determine if you decide on the consequences on your own or invite others into the conversation with you.
The goal of any confrontation is not to prove that you are right. The goal is to win a friend and help each of you become more like Christ (Matthew 18:15). When you keep this as your foundation, following the steps of dealing with confrontation will bring life to both of you.
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